Chapter 152: The Five Flavors Hero
Qi Long said that he wanted to write a martial arts novel, and first he had to introduce his pen name to Gao Dongqiang.
"I heard before that someone dreamed of a phoenix landing on a phoenix tree and named himself Fengwu. Someone else dreamed of a dragon landing on a reef and named himself Longjiao. I had a similar dream!"
"What did you dream about?"
"I dreamed that a colorful and beautiful chicken landed on a banana tree, so I was ready to shout. Ouch!"
Before Qi Long could finish his words, he was pushed away by Dong Qiang who suddenly reacted. After a second of hesitation, the audience burst into laughter.
"It's recording!" Dongqiang shouted.
Qi Long: "Why are you pushing me? I think this dream is not a good pseudonym, so I'll call myself Qi Long!"
"You scared me to death, tell me about your novel!"
Qi Long returned to his microphone: "My novel is called "Bitter, Spicy, Sour, Sweet and Salty"!"
“None of the recipes are this straightforward.”
"It has all five flavors, which means I want to write about the various flavors of life in my novel!"
“Oh, there is depth, but what about the content?”
"The content should start with the title page. It describes my experience of traveling around to collect inspiration. Look, I write martial arts novels, so I need to understand martial artists. I read books and learn about other people's martial arts world first!"
"for example?"
"For example, there is a world full of fighting spirit. That world is very magical. Fighting spirit can transform into horses. People ride horses and say 'Guo Degang Guo Degang'. Don't despise the poor young man!"
"What you're talking about is fantasy, not martial arts, and the fighting spirit in the book doesn't turn into a horse!"
Qi Long waved his hand: "The book is a fantasy, but has it been adapted into a martial arts TV series? There is also the particularly exciting "Zhenhun Street", in which there is a character called Yu Qian, who is particularly touching."
"My senior brother?"
Qi Long made a foolish remark and continued, "Maybe they have the same name and surname. Then Yu Qian knelt on one knee and said to his master: I, Yu Qian, am willing to smoke, drink and perm my hair for the Guo family for generations!"
"That's the same person. He's not Yu Jin, the humble servant. He's willing to go through fire and water for the Cao family for generations! And that's a fantasy comic, not a martial arts novel. You've read too much!"
Qi Long used the fan as a pen: "Anyway, write it down to show that I am well-educated."
"If you write like this, people will stop reading after the title page. You have no martial arts foundation at all. It's all nonsense. I can't publish your book!"
"Oh, no, no, no, then I won't write it. I'll just write about my true experience of visiting a martial arts family, okay?"
Gao Dongqiang, who was originally not interested, turned his head and asked: "Have you ever visited a martial arts family?"
"That's not."
"Whose family?"
Qi Long stopped talking and turned to look at Gao Dongqiang. Gao Dongqiang looked behind him and pointed at himself. Qi Long nodded silently.
"When did our family become a martial arts family? How come I didn't know?"
"Your father didn't tell you!"
Qi Long began to make up stories, saying that he went to their house when he wanted to write a martial arts novel, because his father had a wide network of contacts and might know someone from a martial arts family. He wanted to get in touch with the martial arts family through his godfather and learn about the martial arts world of the time so that he could write his own martial arts novel.
As a result, happiness came too suddenly. Gao Dongqiang's father told Qi Long that his family was a martial arts family, but since martial arts was forbidden, Dongqiang was not allowed to practice martial arts.
"Do you know why your muscles are so big after just a few years of fitness training?"
"Why?"
"Yes, you have the genes of that hero!"
"Ah? Our family is so powerful?"
"Of course not, your father Gao Xiqiang told me everything."
"Wait a minute, my name is Gao Dongqiang, and my father's name is Gao Xiqiang? Are they brothers or father and son?"
"You two are like brothers, father and son. Your father Gao Xiqiang told me that your grandfather Gao Nanqiang was a knight-errant."
Gao Dongqiang said casually: "Well, my grandfather and I have become brothers now!"
"It's your great grandfather's turn."
"Gao Beiqiang?"
"No, Gao Beiqiang is your great grandfather. Your great grandfather was assassinated by a martial arts hero that year. Before he died, he hugged your great grandfather, Gao Beiqiang, and told him to learn martial arts well and avenge himself! Your great grandfather was also very powerful. He later became the head of a famous martial arts sect!"
"What sect?"
"The Sword Fighting School, your great-grandfather, Mr. Gao Zhongqiang, is extremely good at being mean, he can be called the best mean person in the world, that's awesome!"
"Your great grandfather is a bitch. Is there such a sect? Are you comparing who is more bitch?"
Qi Long explained to him: "You didn't hear me wrong. I was talking about the sword as in treasured sword, and the pen as in brush. The full name of their sect is the Pen and Sword Sect, or Pen and Sword Sect for short."
Gao Dongqiang suddenly realized: "Oh, it's a pen sword like this?"
"That's right. This sect has people who can wield a pen to bring peace to the world and who can wield a sword to travel the world. Your great-grandfather's swordsmanship is the best in the world. His writing skills are also very good, so his nickname is: The best swordsman in the world, a great writing! With him, no one can defeat him with his writing and sword."
"Can you please use your full name? No one can defeat you by your pen and sword. Please don't use your abbreviation!"
"Your great grandfather thought the same thing at the time. He told people everywhere that I was invincible, which was not nice. So after he defeated the masters of various sects at the top of Mount Hua, he announced in a high-profile manner that we were no longer allowed to call our Pen and Sword Sect the Pen and Sword Sect. We changed our abbreviation to another two characters?"
"What did you change it to?"
"Zhi means pen, Zhang means sword. We are called the Zhizhang faction!"
"Retarded? Even worse than the one just now!"
The whole audience burst into laughter. This was the foreshadowing just now, but the punchline was hidden very deeply and no one could see through it at first glance. Everyone thought that holding a pen and wielding a sword was to explain the pen and sword, but they didn't expect there was another layer of punchline hidden in it. Now that it was revealed, they were amused.
The baggage is actually here?
"Your great grandfather was the first ruler, and you are the descendant of the ruler!"
After that, Qi Long talked about Dong Qiang's grandfather, and of course he talked about the jokes he had told in "Extreme Men's Gang" before, such as the fact that he could take out hidden weapons even without clothes on. Some jokes may not be broadcast on TV, but they can be told on the crosstalk stage. After rushing to tell the story of his great grandfather and grandfather, Qi Long said that he had accumulated enough material and started to talk about the main text of the novel.
Qi Long spoke slowly in the tone of a storyteller: "At 36: in the morning on the th day of the fourth lunar month in the th year of Qianlong’s reign."
"You still count the hours and the hours, and half past eight?"
"This is for the sake of the authenticity of the novel. The famous Mr. Kafka once said that the more fictional the story is, the more truth it should show in the details!" Qi Long changed his tone to chat and explained to him: "You said, I want to say that it is the truth of this morning a long, long time ago, which is not so specific!"
"Oh, Yan Jing, please continue!"
"It is said that the Five Flavors Hero is walking down the street!"
Dong Qiang stretched out his palm and showed five fingers: "Oh, there are five heroes!"
"Did I say five? Just one!"
"Didn't you say five heroes?"
"Hero Wuwei, 'Wei' means 'flavor', this is the title of my book, do you remember?" Qi Long asked.
"Bitter, spicy, sour, sweet and salty?" Dongqiang answered in confusion.
"Yes!"
"Such a five-flavor hero?"
“Yes, this is the protagonist of my book!”
"What does it look like?"
"He was two feet tall, with arms three feet wide, a bloody mouth, eyes wide open, a racing neck, and a head like a ping-pong ball."
"Teacher Qi, Teacher Qi, please wait a moment. This head is as big as a ping-pong ball, why does it have such a big bloody mouth?" Dong Qiang gestured the size of a ping-pong ball.
Qi Long said, "Don't worry about the details!"
"Hey, Kafka once said that the more fictional a story is, the more truth it should convey in the details!"
Qi Long had no choice but to make up a story about this hero. In order to practice the Five Flavors Magic Kung Fu, he had to open his mouth and let five flavors of food enter his mouth at the same time. However, his ping-pong ball mouth could not open that wide. What should he do?
He pulled his mouth, pulling his upper lip with one hand and his lower lip with the other hand, and did this for forty-nine days until he developed a mouth that could spurt out blood.
"Every time you speak, you have to say it sincerely. For example, if you want to laugh, hahahaha (Qi Long raises one hand upwards and stretches the other hand downwards, making an exaggerated mouth-opening motion)"
This physiognomy skill makes people laugh out loud.
As he spoke, Qi Long began to introduce the content, saying that in this book, the first twenty chapters are about the process of Wuwei Xia learning martial arts, and he learns from various masters, such as Lao Fan Gu, Lao Yin Ji, Pinnuo Wang, Chef An, etc. In short, it talks about many food bloggers.
"Are you still a cook?"
"Practicing my own unique secret in the kitchen, the Five Flavors Heart-Stimulating Palm!"
The middle forty chapters are about the process of Wuwei hero doing various chivalrous things and helping many people in need. For example, there was a woman who had never been liked by any man. Wuwei hero gave her a spicy palm and the girl became Spicy Girl. She sang Spicy Girl and found her other half who was attracted to her.
"Such a help?"
"Some stories are very profound. For example, after Wuwei the Great Swordsman saved a child, the child asked the Great Swordsman, "Can you slap me with your bitter palm?"
"Why do you want to be beaten?"
"Five-flavor Hero is also strange. The child said, my family said that only those who endure the most hardships can become the best. I want to eat your bitter palm to become the best! (Switch to Five-flavor Hero pulling his lips) Child, you are wrong. What you eat replenishes what you need. You can't become the best by enduring hardships, but you can become the best by eating people!"
"Hmm?" Dong Qiang exclaimed: "Wow, your words are quite profound?"
"Hey, look at this. Didn't I say that my novels are not written at random? The next sixty chapters are just a battle of wits and courage with the four villains in the book!"
"Oh, a villain called the Four?"
"The four villains, of course they are four villains, do you have any culture?"
"Hey, I thought it was the same as Wuwei Daxia. Who are the four villains?"
"There are electric demons, magnetic demons, light demons, and sound demons!"
"Electromagnetism, light, and sound? Do you have modern science here?"
"Weren't there no electromagnetism, light, or sound in ancient times? Is lightning electrical? Do magnets have magnetism? There are also light and sound, so how can it be considered modern science? They are all from ancient times!"
The four big demons are so hateful that if they join forces and stomp their feet, the earth will crack. Hero Wuwei can't let them succeed, so he starts fighting with them.
The last chapter in the book is "The Five-flavor Hero fights against the four demons, and a palm strike at the top of the ice peak decides the outcome."
"The two sides met on Mount Everest, 9,000 meters high, and set up plum blossom piles on the peak to start the battle."
"Wait a minute, Mount Everest is 8848 meters high, how can it be meters high?"
"There are also plum blossom piles. The plum blossom pile is 162 meters long. 8848 plus is ?"
"That's nine thousand and ten. You're not good at math!"
"If I am good at math, can my four demons be mathematical?"
"Oh, you hate math so you came up with this trick, go on!"
Up to this point is the display of martial arts in the storytelling. The one standing on the left and grasping his lips while speaking is the Five Flavors Hero, and the one standing on the right and pinching his fingers is one of the Four Demons. They are introducing each other's weapons and shouting at each other.
Of course, it is not entirely storytelling. After all, it is crosstalk, and there are still funny parts.
The electric demon's weapon: a shiny, bright, and shiny flashlight.
"Just a flashlight?"
Qi Long took the fan in his hand and said seriously: "This flashlight is different. There is a button on it. You just need to press it gently like this!"
"What's the matter?" Dongqiang asked expectantly.
“It’s lit!”
"Nonsense, the flashlights will light up!" Dongqiang went from expecting something to feeling helpless, as if his face was saying, what am I expecting?
(End of this chapter)
