Chapter 315 Crosstalk: "Between Husband and Wife"
When faced with Dong Qiang's retort that "You observe life by looking at girls in short skirts", Qi Long made the following rebuttal.
"Nonsense, who only looks at little girls and not older ones? Discrimination!"
"A hooligan?"
Qi Long was not convinced: "First, I don't take photos to infringe on people's portrait rights, second, I don't approach them to tease them, and third, I don't whistle or show a lewd smile. I am a hooligan just by looking at me? That's human instinct. Taking a look is instinct, and not taking a second look is my personal cultivation, so I just kept staring at him!"
At first, Qi Long spoke in a righteous manner and some people cheered him, but then he made a 180-degree turn and it was hilarious again.
"Oh, so not looking a second time means you should always look at the first time?"
"If only life could be like the first time we met!"
"never heard of that!"
Qi Long continued: "Of course, if something unexpected happens nearby, I will still look away."
"What's the surprise?"
"For example, her boyfriend looks at me."
"You have to move it away, or you'll get beaten."
"Another thing is that there is a leafless tree next to where I'm sitting. Hey, Dongqiang, do you want to know why this tree has no leaves?" Qi Long suddenly asked Dongqiang proudly halfway through his words.
The audience laughed because the opening performer of today's show, Shaobing, performed a piece called "The Tree Without Leaves"!
In fact, it is a replica of "The Sheep Climbing the Tree". The bottom line of "The Sheep Climbing the Tree" is: I carried the sheep up the tree.
The background of "Tree Without Leaves" is: That's a telephone pole.
The funny guy came up with the weird questions, the straight guy called out "dad" out of curiosity many times, and in the end got such a crappy answer!
If Shaobing and the others had not performed this role before, Qi Long would definitely not say this. Even if he had performed it before, everyone knows that this joke can only be amused by adding it on the spot.
Dong Qiang shook his hand: "I don't need you to tell me, I know, it's a telephone pole!"
"Hehehe, yes, there is a telephone pole. That telephone pole suddenly appears in the middle of the pedestrian street. Sometimes people accidentally bump into it. Usually, if a girl in a couple bumps into it, you can tell what stage their relationship is in just by looking at the guy's reaction!"
Well, now we’re back to the topic of what stage the relationship is at.
"The woman hit the pole. Look at the man. If he were like this..." Qi Long looked sad and distressed: "Ouch, baby, how did you hit the pole? It's all swollen. Does it hurt? Let me blow on it for you."
Not only were the words corny, but Qi Long also spoke them in a mixed tone, which made people feel uncomfortable.
Dongqiang also pushed him away in disgust: "Alright, alright, I get goosebumps when I hear you say that."
Qi Long returned to normal: "Hey, this is what happens when you are in first love or passionately in love. You will rush to ask about each other's well-being when things go wrong. Sometimes you will even hit the telephone pole: The telephone pole is broken!"
As he said that, he waved his hand and hit Dongqiang.
"Why did you hit me?"
"Demonstration. What if a man does this?" Qi Long was all smiles: "Hahaha, you can even bump into a telephone pole while walking. Oh my god, huhuhuhu, come on, don't move, hehehe, I'll take a picture of you and post it on WeChat Moments, hehehe."
He used several different types of laughter in one paragraph, which also caused laughter from the audience. By the time he was rushing to take photos and post them on WeChat Moments, the audience's laughter had completely drowned out Qi Long's laughter on the stage.
"To take pleasure in someone else's misfortune!" Dong Qiang concluded.
Qi Long: "That means their relationship is strong. They start joking with each other and laugh when they see you make a fool of yourself!"
"Don't tell me, it's true. When we first met, we were all very reserved, but when we got along, we started insulting each other!"
"Yes, of course there are stronger relationships. For example, your grandparents' generation, they were together all their lives, and they were lifelong partners until they were in their seventies or eighties. At this time, love was transformed into family affection, which is different!"
"Tell me about it!"
“Let’s say your grandparents are walking on the road, and your grandmother hits a telephone pole!”
"What did my grandfather say?"
Qi Long threw his hands to the left and right, stepped on the spot, and said, "Don't say anything, just keep moving forward!"
"Didn't you see it?"
This article is over. Dong Qiang praised Qi Long and said he really has research
"And I've also observed that many men are afraid of their wives, and the reasons for being afraid of their wives are different. There are several reasons why they are afraid!"
"Is there anything wrong with being afraid of your wife?"
"Of course not. There are several major things I'm afraid of: money, appearance, and shortcomings!"
Dong Qiang asked: "Is this still classified? Can you explain in detail what this means?"
"Let's talk about fear of money first. Your wife is richer than you, and you are afraid of her!"
Dong Qiang is a tough guy: "My wife is richer than me, why should I be afraid of her?"
"You should be grateful to others for what you have done for you. Let's take an example. You are not Gao Dongqiang, the crosstalk performer now. Your father failed in his business and is heavily in debt. He also suffers from a serious disease and is paralyzed."
"How can there be total body paralysis? That's hemiplegia!"
Qi Long nodded: "Yes, your father suffered from hemiplegia. He got it twice and became paralyzed all over. The first time it happened on the left side, the second time it happened on the right side!"
This is an old joke, but the audience still laughs when it is told.
"This is so unlucky!"
"The family has used up all their savings to treat your father's illness. They have borrowed money everywhere, sold their house and car, and now the three of us are squeezed into a one-square-meter house?"
“One square meter for three people?”
"I can't even sleep properly, I have to sleep standing up!"
"Please wait a moment," Dong Qiang stretched out his hand, "My father is paralyzed. Can he stand?"
"There's a hook hanging on the wall, hanging there. You meet your wife at this time. Your wife's family is rich. Her father is the boss of a multinational corporation. Once she marries you, your family's debts will be paid off, your father's illness will be cured, and your parents will live in a big house. Tell me, are you afraid of her?"
Dong Qiang took a deep breath and said, "Not only should we be afraid of this, we should also worship it. This is like encountering a living Bodhisattva!"
"Look at the money fear"
After talking about the fear of money, Qi Long talked about the fear of appearance and used Dong Qiang as an example.
"You don't look as human as you do now!"
"Does anthropomorphism make sense? I'm not a human."
"Just pretend you're uglier than you are now, with greasy hair, a body as fat as a rhino, snot and drool running from your nose, and a face that looks like the moon."
"A face like the moon? What does that mean?"
Qi Long explained: "It's full of potholes!"
"Hi"
The audience laughed, thinking that this metaphor made sense, as the surface of the moon is indeed full of potholes.
"Your wife is different now. She's so pretty, much prettier than you!"
"My wife is much prettier than me! How beautiful?"
"Your wife has eyes like light bulbs, a face like a basin, a nose like a bean curd, and a mouth like a city gate! Hey, she looks just like Sun Yue!"
Dongqiang raised his hand and pushed him: "This doesn't look good either."
"Why doesn't it look good?" Qi Long retorted.
Dongqiang listed them for him: "The eyes are like light bulbs, how can they be good-looking? Is it Babo Bener or Benbo Baer?"
As he said this, he glared with his eyeballs bulging out.
Qi Long shook his head: "You heard wrong, I said the eyes look like Gao Gao."
"Who is Gao Gao?"
"Gao Yuanyuan!"
Dong Qiang nodded repeatedly: "Oh, this one looks good, this one looks good, then wait, the face looks like a basin?"
"Your wife's face looks like Shiwen"
"Shiwen?"
"A female member of the national table tennis team, nicknamed Xiaozao, has a small and delicate face!" Qi Long explained with a smile.
Dongqiang nodded again: "Okay, okay, that nose looks like a bean curd."
"I said her nose looks like Zhou Tao, the CCTV hostess, dignified and elegant."
"This one is good too, the mouth is like a city gate!"
"The mouth looks like Yao Cheng, the actress Yao Cheng, that cherry-sized mouth. It seems to be no smaller than the city gate."
"Why can't you continue making up stories? It's okay, it's okay to be a little big-mouthed. What I want to know most is, how do you explain the person who said you look like Sun Yue?"
Qi Long denied it again: "Am I talking about Sun Yue? I'm talking about Sun Nan. Sun Nan doesn't work either, I'm talking about Sun Honglei!"
"Not as good as the first two. Sun Honglei has a face like Yao Cheng's. Is the girl I found Yu Zecheng?"
This is a classic crosstalk where the audience applauds before they hear Qi Long complete a paragraph, and then laughs when he tells the joke. When Dong Qiang tells Yu Zecheng's joke, the audience laughs to the climax. Qi Long continues to make up for it: "She looks like Sun Yanzi, okay?"
"this is OK!"
"Look, you look like that, and you married a wife like that, are you afraid of her?"
"Not only am I afraid of her, I also have to love her, especially reminding her to do eye exercises every day. How bad must her eyesight be for her to fall in love with me?"
As soon as Dongqiang finished speaking, the audience laughed.
Qi Long yelled, exasperated: "So it's Gao Yuanyuan's eyes! Why did you fall for Zhao Youting? Zhao Youting, I can't live with you!"
The audience who were just amused by Dongqiang’s “bad eyesight” joke, really didn’t expect that the previous joke about his eyes resembling Gao Yuanyuan was just a foreshadowing, and suddenly there came this “hatred of having his wife stolen” joke that all the netizens were joking about. It was so unexpected that the audience instantly blew up!
"Does this thing of yours still have roots?"
I have already talked about being afraid of appearance, and now I am afraid of age. What I mean is that the age gap between a couple is too big, and they will be afraid.
"for example."
Before Qi Long could say anything, Dongqiang pointed at him and said, "I'm not Gao Dongqiang now!"
"Yes, you are a handsome young man of twenty, and you married an eighty-year-old grandmother. Are you afraid of her?"
The audience laughed again.
After laughing, Dongqiang asked, "Isn't it because I'm afraid of money? I didn't want to work hard at that time. What was that?"
The laughter that just ended rang out again, louder than before.
"Take another example. You are no longer a young man in his twenties. You are a 78-year-old man who married a girl in her twenties!"
Dongqiang burst out laughing: "Hahaha, she must be afraid of me because of her money!"
"No, no, no, you have to be afraid of her. People say that there is a generation of acquaintances every three years. How many acquaintances do you have? The entertainment projects they offer are different from yours. Let me take you to sing? Your voice is not good enough. Let me take you to play script-killing games, but your presbyopia makes it difficult to read the words. Let me take you to a disco, but your legs are cold. Let me take you to go rafting, can you bear it? Let me take you to an amusement park, can you bear it? Let me take you to bungee jumping."
Dong Qiang stretched out his hand: "She is so anxious to inherit my property!"
"You can't play with her, and after a while you become afraid. You're afraid that she'll take you out to play, and you're even afraid that she'll go back to her room with you to sleep!"
"What's there to be afraid of?"
"You two go back to your room and sleep. You, will die at the age of seventy-eight!"
The car wheel hit his face, which set off the whole audience again.
The age was finally mentioned, and Dong Qiang asked, "What is the last shortcoming?"
Qi Long took a breath, but before he could say anything, Dong Qiang spoke again.
"If you still use me as an example, I'm not Gao Dongqiang!"
"Yes, yes, yes, you do have weaknesses. You used to be a gangster and were criticized and educated by the police. You are afraid of them because they are picking on your weaknesses."
Dong Qiang nodded: "What kind of shortcoming is this? I was just observing life and trying to find bad guys with the girl!"
The audience really didn’t expect that crosstalk could be reversed so much!
"It means you were a gangster in the past. Whenever you have a quarrel, people will bring up your past and you can't refute them. Hey, I don't even despise you for being a gangster. You actually..."
This is called fear of shortcomings.
When he said this, Qi Long turned sideways and glanced at the time with his peripheral vision. If the time remaining was short, he would say a fast-paced piece to quickly find the end and end the crosstalk.
At present, there is still a lot of time left, so Qi Long continued: "But I am afraid that my wife is different from the above four!"
"What are you afraid of?"
"Genetic fear!"
"Is wife fear hereditary?"
"My grandfather is afraid of my grandmother, my father is afraid of my mother, I am afraid of my wife, and you are afraid of my daughter-in-law." At the end, Qi Long pointed at Dong Qiang.
Dong Qiang threw his hands up and said, "Go away, I accidentally let you get away with it."
"Hey, take the past two days for example, I asked my wife for money, but she refused to give it to me. What use is there for me to have this money?"
"What's the use?"
"My partner Gao Dongqiang is getting engaged, and I have to give him a gift!"
Dong Qiang immediately changed from a bystander to a united front with Qi Long: "That's what we should do!"
"Right, I spoke to her in a nice voice. I said that when I proposed to him and when we got engaged, Dongqiang helped me a lot and gave me a gift of 10,000 yuan. Can't I do a bad job?"
"that is!"
"My wife put her hands on her hips and said: No, others don't understand Gao Dongqiang, don't you understand him?"
"What's wrong with me?"
"He's been engaged six times. We can't give gifts every time, right? Who knows if it will work out this time? How much money should we give?"
Gao Dongqiang was surprised himself: "I've been engaged for the sixth time?"
"Hey, I wanted money for cigarettes before, for no reason, so I said you were engaged. Who knew you would really get engaged now?"
"Then you deserve it."
"I quickly told my wife that this girl is good this time, Dongqiang's parents are very satisfied, this must be the last time for us, my wife shouted: I said no!"
When speaking, Qi Long was shouting into Dong Qiang's ear.
Dongqiang's shout startled him and he quickly cleaned his ears: "Lion Roar Kung Fu."
"Oh, I'm so angry. I got so angry that I got mad all of a sudden."
Dong Qiang asked: "Do you want to do her?"
"I took it back after rubbing it!"
"Your fire is falling fast!"
"I said, no, I'm not your daughter-in-law. How about this? Dongqiang gave me 10,000 yuan for our engagement. You can give me 200 yuan. I'll take you with me, and then bring my parents, my father-in-law and mother-in-law. Our family of six will go to their engagement banquet and have a good meal. Is that okay?"
Dong Qiang pushed him: "Okay, don't come, just give me 200 yuan, and bring six people to eat?"
"Isn't this just a temporary solution? When she comes, I'll give you 200 yuan. Can she sit still? If she can't sit still, then I'll give you more money, right?"
"Oh! Is that it?"
"No," my wife snorted coldly: "Two hundred, do you know that two hundred is an astronomical figure for you?"
"Two hundred is an astronomical figure?"
Qi Long repeated it again: "My fire flashed and I went up, piapia"
"Hit her?"
"I hit myself, but I was afraid that she would feel hurt when I hit her. After I hit myself, my anger was quickly calmed down. I said to my wife, please consider this two hundred as a loan. I don't want pocket money for the next two or four months. Can you go home after the crosstalk?"
The third time, the fire rushed up and went over to the two legs.
"Kick her?"
"She knelt down, rubbed it and took it back. I said, wife, just give me 200 yuan. She ignored me and left the room. How could you leave like that? I was still kneeling. Do you think I should get up or not?"
"You might as well not get up. Who told you to lie to me about your engagement? Now the story of the boy who cried wolf has come true, right?"
"I have to get up. My father came in and laughed at me: You must have been humiliated. Oh, you can't even get 200 yuan. For a little pocket money, Dongqiang got engaged six times, Dongqiang's mother got into car accidents seven times, and Dongqiang's father was seriously ill and was admitted to the ICU eight times. Can people still trust you?"
"You used my parents as an excuse?"
"It doesn't matter. I didn't say I was dead. I won't be able to use this excuse after I die!"
"Do I have to thank you?"
Qi Long nodded: "You should thank me, I brought the money for the gift!"
"Did your wife give in?" Dongqiang was surprised.
"No, no, no, my dad said, it's just 200 yuan, dad will pay it for you, come on, let's go to a place."
"Where to go?"
"Go down on your knees and beg your mother for money!"
Dongqiang suddenly realized: "Oh, this is called hereditary fear!"
The two brothers took a step back and bowed. The crosstalk ended here. Their first performance at the Wire Festival was very successful. The audience basically enjoyed it from beginning to end and gave it high praise.
Although the structure of the crosstalk is the same as the ordinary "Between Husband and Wife", which talks about several fears in the relationship between husband and wife, the content has been more or less innovated and is very novel.
"it is good!"
Amid cheers, the two brothers strode off the stage.
(End of this chapter)
